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    55 Years Later, Former Town Slut “Wouldn’t Change A Thing”

       Ellsinore, MO - More than half a century removed from her heyday as the town mattress, Beatrice Wofford says she has no regrets for allowing more than the occasional travelling salesman, migrant farm-worker or railroad employee to “take a ride on the Bea-Train”. As she slowly tilts her head back and closes her eyes, […]

Featured Articles

featuredimage Stiff Competition: Viagra In Sports

     The New York Daily News recently reported that Viagra has become the performance enhancer of choice among athletes worldwide. ...

featuredimage Would Be Jihadist Falls Off Monkey Bars; Comes Home

Taylorsville, IN - On a hot afternoon somewhere along the desolate Afghanistan/Pakistani border, Eddy Simpson may as well have been back in his ...

featuredimage Scientists Develop Salve For Genital Herpes

   With a federal grant to the sum of $28 million, scientists have developed a salve to ease the itching ...

sports

Congress Investigates Globetrotters

   Already injecting itself into recent sports scandals such as the MLB steroids drama, the New England Patriots’ spygate, and most recently the Roger Clemons circus show, The United States Congress is now devoting its full attention to the Harlem Globetrotters. Why? It seems that the Globetrotters’ gaudy win/loss record over the past 20 years has casted doubt among […]

entertainment

Kevin Federline Discovers That He Is White, Sobs Uncontrollably

   It wasn’t what anyone said to him, or the fact that he apparently got a pretty nasty sunburn that afternoon. It was what he saw when he stepped out of his “krunked Benz” at the gathering. White people. Lots of them.
   A relative at the reunion, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that for […]

politics

Bush Chastises Reporter

   At a recent appearance at the National Institutes Of Health, a reporter’s question seemed to touch a nerve with the President. When asked if his low approval rating was a mandate for change regarding his policy in Iraq, Bush gave the reporter a lecture on math.
   “Look,” said Bush, “America is a big country […]

opinion

Thank You, Sen. Craig. Thanks A Lot.

I crapped in my pants today. In my car. At a red light. Maybe it was a bad karma thing for writing that Joe Paterno article. Or maybe I’ve just been lucky to reach the ripe old age of 35 without ever having lost a major battle to my lower intestines. Whatever the case, I […]

local

Fugitive Murderer Caught After 35 Years

   Linda Darby, on the run for 35 years after escaping prison for the murder of her husband, has been apprehended in the small town of Pulaski, TN.
   It turns out that the not so grieving widow wasn’t so much on the run, but living a quiet, peaceful life in this Tennessee town on the […]

science

NASA Turning Water Into Wine? Not Quite.

   Not quite as appealing as turning water into wine, the astronauts on the international space station will soon be turning urine into drinking water. With the population of the space station scheduled to double next year to six full time residents, NASA was compelled to develop a means to avoid the costly and troublesome […]